I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
