Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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