My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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