woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
