I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
