My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
