Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
