She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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