you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
