you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
