come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
