Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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