The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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