The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
