I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
