A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
