Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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