The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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