I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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