I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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