dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I touched a dick in church today
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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