the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
