so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
