we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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