You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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