your parents love me but you hate me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
