dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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