I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
