Farmville is her only friend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
