just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
