I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize