After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
