Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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