I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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