I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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