why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
