Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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