It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
