Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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