4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
