I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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