Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Someone came in the potted fern
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
