I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
