i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
