Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
