I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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