Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
