i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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