she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
pray to the hookup gods
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
