he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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