Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dicks are not precious.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
