i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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