just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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