My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
