He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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