Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
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answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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