So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
